Not Medicated Enough

Christmas is in two days. I am not ready. Ok, I am done shopping and wrapping, but mentally I am not ready. Christmas is suppose to be a time of family get togethers and being happy and thankful and bright colors...or so we are told. We all have had the years when fights had started...and people were missing...or times were tough. I won't say that this year will be the worst...but it definitely isn't the one I would hope for.

This is the year that I don't have my kids for Christmas Eve. Yes I know this happens every other year....but it is still hard. I love my kids...I really do...but they are driving EVERYONE crazy this year. Not just me, but their dad and stepmom too! The oldest two just won't stop fighting and it raises the stress level up many more that I am medicated for.

Today I brought them to Walmart to finish their Christmas shopping for me and their brothers. I gave them each $30 ($10 for each brother, and $10 for me), plus another $20 to the oldest two to get me a "santa" gift). They took turns going off to pick out presents. It was great! They got along, had fun, and had to work together and either agree to share the money or buy separate gifts. If only we could have just stayed there. But no....we had to go home....and to go home we had to get into the car...and that is where the trouble started.

First the oldest two were in the backseat and fighting because one of the Walmart bags were too much on one side and not on the other. Then by the time we were leaving the parking lot they were fighting about the name of a song on the radio that they heard 2 weeks ago!

We live about 2 miles from Walmart and it is a 5 minute drive. In that 5 minutes I wanted to pull over and scream at least 10 times. I can't tell you how many times I had to yell STOP, and still no one listens. Then when we got home it was a fight over who got to use the tape and scissors to wrap presents in the basement. Again I had to remind myself...I am not medicated enough for this!

I constantly ask myself why I don't drink or do drugs. I know it would relax me and help me mellow out, but I have an addictive personality and I can't afford (money and job wise) to get hooked. Plus I like to be in control of my emotions. It helps prevent me from going too crazy...I hope.

But with all of the commotion of the kids going crazy, and my stressful morning (thanks to Janelle to help me calm down my anxiety levels before someone came over), and just knowing that I am alone...again for the holidays...suck.

Today would have been a perfect day to curl up on the couch with a sweetheart and a nice cold drink.
Today would have been a perfect day for a simple kiss on the forehead and tight embrace.
Today would have been a perfect day for someone to say, "Don't worry, I have this" while dealing with the kids.

But instead...Today is a perfect day, because I have my kids...and they are finally sleeping....thank goodness! Also if I planned it right....my meds should be kicking in any day and things should start calming down a little...and all I ask for is just a little...