Losing Myself in the Down Pour- Day 4

They say a nice rain cleanses the soul. So what about the downpour that we have had on and off all day today? I wonder who's soul needs that much cleansing? It felt good though. The rain came down around 2:15 this morning...I was still awake...like I am most nights. So I decided to go sit outside in the back yard. After a few moments I laid down in the wet grass and just closed my eyes. For the first time in a long time I didn't think...I didn't worry...I didn't remember the pain. The rain seemed to wash away everything I needed it too.

This afternoon I tried to nap, but I was tossing and turning. I walked outside and within minutes it started down pouring again. Soaked to the bone I laid down once again and just relaxed. Not hearing the cars driving by...not hearing the neighbors yelling as they were caught in the rain...and even not hearing the rain splash down around me. I felt good. I was relaxed and calm. I went inside, dried off, and slept comfortably.

Later this afternoon I went to my oldest sons football game. Our middle son stayed after school to watch the game, but we couldn't find him. After an hour of hoping he would show up we all went looking for him. His dad went one way. His stepmom stayed near the game. And I drove to the school, where I found him. I didn't know if I should be pissed or happy...but I was both. He explained what had happened and why he didn't come back to the game....but my heart was still beating through my chest.

We got back to the field to find out it was canceled because of lightening. The boys left with their dad and stepmom and I drove home. The downpour started within seconds of dropping my son off and didn't look like it would let up. When I got home, I walked around into the back yard, laid back down in the grass and took a deep breath.

This time was different. This time I was thinking...I felt all the worry...all the pain. I heard all of the neighbors...and the cars...and the rain drops roaring in my ears. This time the rain seemed to bring it all back. Memories that were once locked up behind a wall. Good with the bad. Twisting and intertwining together...in a puzzle no one could have ever solved.

But the rain...somehow seemed to clear the pieces up. Made it so that the good and the bad memories can separate just a little. Following along like a tiny stream picking up other tiny streams before joining the river. And this river will steadily flow. Flow right against the dam that has been built to protect those puzzle pieces.

The problem with this dam is that it is an old dam. A dam that looked more like a patch worked quilt made by a child. And this dam is getting tired. Tired of holding back the constant river. Tired of being rammed over and over again. Assaulted by the individual drops that have ganged up and raged war against this dam. It isn't the dam's fault. It is just doing its job. The fault lies behind the dam...with the Builder.

Maybe this Builder needs to realize that there is no hope keeping this dam from breaking. Maybe the Builder needs to let go of the blueprints and stop filling all the cracks. Maybe start picking away at the patches and take control of the breakdown. Maybe the first piece will be a letter.

A letter that has been written and rewritten a million times. Torn up...tossed away...flushed...and burned...but never forgotten. A letter of truths and pains from the past. A letter of choices and consequences. A letter of forgiveness. The final destination for this letter.....Montana.

The down pour is once again over...but never far away.