She explained how she had overheard how much I love my job now (I was talking about how I like my position so much better than before), planning a Halloween party (at a place that is big enough and that I am proud of), and about a new "love" interest (I was talking about a previous guy that I'm having a huge issue trying to not think about every 6 seconds). Then she mentioned that she didn't recognize me at first and congratulated me on losing so much weight (down almost 50 lbs since I last saw her), and how great I look.
You're envious? Of what? I don't see it. Yeah I have lost weight...you do that when all you do for a year is work and sleep. I would love to drop another 50lbs...and lots of firming up to do. Looking good? Are you kidding me? Do you need new glasses? I just got done working a 12 hour shift in a hair net. My hair is standing on end...hasn't been brushed in 3 days...and super frizzy. I have deep bags under my eyes from the mixture of stress and not sleeping well this weekend.
I work crazy hours and every weekend. I'm always picking up extra hours when my kids aren't around, so I don't spend time with friends. I am one of the few people that will work all three shifts, and for the most part go to work when I am called in. And yes, I like my position now....but a had to deal with a 15 months of dreading going into work before I got this position. And the two degrees that I have....have nothing to do with where I work. All that time...and stress...for what? A fork lift job in a factory that anyone out of high school can get?
The "love" interest...yeah I was smiling when I was talking about that because I was thinking back to how great things were...and how much I fucked it up. I was just standing in the aisle mentally going through everything I have ever done wrong with every guy I have been with. But then I find this great guy...sparks fly...the goosebumps were back...and I got scared. Things were going so great that I was waiting for that other shoe to drop. Big mistake. My fault. I get that. But for a kinda-stranger to think everything is still great...I must be a damn good actress!
And my house. Hell yeah I am proud of my house. I'm excited to be able to have more that TWO NON family members ever come to my house. As much as I have always hated hardwood floors, it is helping me keep things clean. I love having all the space that I have, so yes I do want to show it off.
But I don't tell her all of that. I don't tell her about the hell I have been through in the last 3 years. Going through my SECOND divorce. Getting a hysterectomy at 30 because of pre-cervical cancer cells and PCOS. Losing a great job...and being unemployed for 9 months. Getting evicted from my home of 4 years to move across town (to a place 1/2 the size and more money) and having to rent from a slumlord because no one else would rent to me. Having to take a job working at a factory for almost 1/2 as much as I was making at my old job. Pulling my kids out of school half way through the year to transfer to a different district. Then having my only vehicle completely die on my 3rd day of work.
Switch lives? With me? Seriously? Sure...when do you want to start? Are you still working a M-F 9-5 job making over 35K a year (maybe with a 50hr work week for the rest of the year...I MIGHT hit 30K...maybe)? Are you still with the same guy that has held a steady job for 15 years and still leaves you little love notes in your lunch that he packs? Do you have kids yet?
Sure...here are my keys and debt card. Careful I just got paid on Friday, but you are out of groceries and there are still bills due. You have 3 kids to pick up from 2 different locations after school. You are now scheduled to work for the next 13 days straight on all 3 shifts. And between work your oldest has a football game out of town tomorrow, and laundry has to be done. Plus you need to make an appointment to see your OBGYN specialist because your pap just came back abnormal with pre-cancer cells again and because you don't have insurance you can't afford to see her to find out what the hell is wrong. So have fun reading WAY TO MUCH online about what could be wrong until January.
Sure, the grass may be greener on the other side...but do you know what they have used for fertilizer? Do you know what the soil content is underneath? Are you sure it is real grass and not AstroTurf? Maybe they spray paint it green while you sleep? Do you really want to know?
Nope, I don't tell her all of that. I just smile and tell her that it has been a rough 3 years, but with hard work and dedication, my life is on track.
But seriously. Until she said something, I had no idea how good I have it. I have a pretty flexible job that pays the bills. I am working all of this overtime because I CHOOSE too. I don't want to be home alone so I work any shifts I can. I choose not to take the insurance because we get to see the clinic dr for free (I will take it in January). I do have three amazing boys that are happy and healthy and very active in school and sports.
So to answer your question. No. I'm sorry I can't switch lives with you. Because I don't know how you fertilize your yard...but I can trust what method I use. And the color that is showing....I can live with that. The bare patches and dead grass clumps...those are fine too. I know how to work on them. The weeds...hell...they ADD to my grass. To show that it isn't perfect. But it is a fighter and will continue to show up no matter what. And that is okay. I can accept that. I will embrace it and make it my own. So admire all your want. I have earned all the colors of my grass!
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